Now as the court date is getting closer i feel so drained and in need of some loving. if this is what going through a divorce feels like then i don't wish any of my friends or relatives to go through it.
today i feel i need a man here with me at the same time i don't need any man next to me. the thought of it brings back the anger and shock.... i have not recovered fully from the shock i have been subjected too. i keep asking myself what kind of love is this. how can you destroy someone you love. how can you torture someone you call your wife or husband. i fail to understand that love can make a person forget their values and go all out just to hurt the other party.
my heart aches every time i think of the trust issues that have dragged for long, causing obsession and possessiveness in an individual. i am surprised how love and respect doesn't amount to anything, however i understand that when you get married you become one...by this i mean the transparency issues. the love that i once had has been crushed to pieces that cannot be put together. i tried to find the love inside me but not a spark instead i find a gap that no one can feel and wounds that only God can heal.
i'm in need of some lil' bit of lovin. it can ease my pains, my stresses and the way i feel generally about everything happening around me now....give me a glass of wine first before you can offer that to me. i don't want to be in my senses when you have your way with me, i want to loose myself. i don't want to remember you or any of these things you will be doing to me..just help me ease the pain.
i know this may be too much to ask but the way i feel right now, i can do anything just for a minute of some loving. i have been alone for long now, a married woman just cannot cope for 4 months without her dues. i mean i was used to all the nice things in my house and now that has been taken away from me. well i know it sounds like i am complaining yet i am the one who put myself in this situation of no loving and no man.
i am just so thankful to the people who have taken me in otherwise i think i would be out in the streets searching for love, just for today. believe me its not just today but it's a feeling that comes now and again.
Staying at the "shelter" is somehow punishment for me yet it helps me recover and feel loved by the people around me. i wish this period to end fast, because i can't cope on my own now, i need the strength from God and hi guidance now. i just need some divine intervention....just take it away, move it away from me. the pain is too much and unbearable.
there's a couple of weeks left for me to say goodbye to a status that has destroyed me as a woman, lowered my self esteem and however, left me as strong as a rock.
i am in need of some loving but.........
i won't allow the feeling to run my life. yes i was used to it but now it's not there anymore. one day i will be in the arms of the one, laughing and enjoying every moment and pay back for lost time.
i guess this phase is supposed to teach me realize the power within me, further my studies and be independent. as much as i say i am crushed but i call myself a survivor and a strong woman. Mabye i will help other woman who will go through the same phase and help them recover.
i have decided to keep myself busy with my academic work and create a circle of friends to help me get through this. they do not really know what it going on with me and i like it that way. well, you are definately different from them because you are reading about it and you won't offer me any sympathy but feel sorry for me and post your comments/words of encouragement. i guess im just one of the girls who do not like their private life to be a "public affair".
meeting my hurter is not easy, we have not spoken in a very long time. i have forgiven him but forgetting is hard.i am trying dust myself up from all the pain, heartaches, headaches and build ME again. i am still a lady in every aspect